THE IMPERFECTION, PART 1
EXT. WOODS - DAY
SFX of birds chirping, a gentle wind through trees. CHARLIE, is reporting what he’s sees.
CHARLIE
Its a meadow, I guess. I’d call it a meadow. No, no. Its too small for a full-fledged meadow. Maybe it’s a glade. Or a dale? And there are some deer over there, to my left about 20 yards away, and a little one over there, to the right a bit. They’re just munching on grass.
He takes a few steps.
CHARLIE
The grass, it seems so real. I can see the dew getting on my shoes. Good thing I wore suede. Nice one. Fuck I just got these.
(Suddenly addressing a chipmunk)
Oh hi. Hi there. Here’s a little chipmunk guy. What’s that? Are you trying to tell me something? What’s the matter buddy?
The Chipmunk is chattering at him, and then abruptly the animals all run off. Wind picks up.
CHARLIE
Hey wait, where you going? Guys? Chipmunk friend? Hello?
Suddenly Charlie’s cut off by the voice mail he’s been leaving.
VOICE MAIL
If you are satisfied with your message, please press one. To delete and re-record your message press 2.
The sound of the bucolic woods disappears with gigantic reversing swell, like its being sucked back into a genie’s bottle. Suddenly, we’re on a busy street in the flatiron district of manhattan.
CHARLIE
(relieved)
Oh thank god.
Charlie presses a key on his phone. There’s a beep prompting him to leave a message.
CHARLIE
Uh Hi Dr Sadler, this is Charlie. I just left your office- I thought we had an appointment today, I mean its Thursday so we definitely had an appointment unless.... Well, you know, unless its not Thursday.
He asserts his sanity.
CHARLIE
But it is actually Thursday and we did have a meeting so, yeah. And I just had another, uh, episode. The usual. We can talk about it next week. Anyways, hopefully you’re ok. Just, uh, let me know what’s up.
INT. BODEGA - CONTINUOUS
He hangs up and walks into a bodega. The BODEGA OWNER is behind the counter.
CHARLIE
Hey do you have juicy fruit?
BODEGA OWNER
What?
CHARLIE
Juicy fruit. Its gum. Yellow package?
BODEGA OWNER
No, no sorry.
CHARLIE
Ok. What day is it?
BODEGA OWNER
The 23rd.
CHARLIE
No, I mean, what day of the week.
BODEGA OWNER
Oh, its Thursday.
CHARLIE
Yeah, that’s what I thought. Thanks.
EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS
He leaves the Bodega.
CHARLIE
Hey Siri, call Amber.
SIRI
Ok. Dialing Amber, mobile.
It rings, AMBER (think Lena Waithe) picks up. Amber is Charlie’s best friend, and also a patient of Sadler’s.
AMBER
Charlie, what the fuck man?
CHARLIE
(sarcastically)
Oh. Hi Amber, how are you?
AMBER
I’m working man. You know I can’t take calls when I’m working!
CHARLIE
Then why did you answer?
AMBER
Because I’m so bored, man. Like, out of my mind. I’ve been sitting here guarding this door for three hours. Not one person has gone through. Not in, not out, nothing.
CHARLIE
So you’re just sitting there?
AMBER
Yeah man. Sitting on a stool. My ass is numb, can’t feel a thing. You could stick a fork in it.
CHARLIE
I don’t want to stick a fork in it.
AMBER
I said you could, not you want to. Man, I swear this job is a joke, a really terrible, sad, joke.
CHARLIE
You have a really fucked up sense of humor, dude. Listen, have you heard from Dr Sadler?
AMBER
I was going to ask you that! What the hell? I went to my appointment yesterday and he was a no-show! And I have important issues I need to go over with that man.
CHARLIE
Tell me about it. 5th avenue just turned into a forest and chipmunks were trying to tell me bad news.
AMBER
(Her tone changes, her voice gets quiet)
Oh shit.
CHARLIE
What? What’s happening?
AMBER
Its my boss. I got to go.
CHARLIE
Ok but--
She hangs up.
CHARLIE
We need to find Sadler. What if he’s in trouble?
INT. CHARLIE’S APARTMENT - AFTERNOON
CHARLIE (LATE 30’S) is recording notes for his psychiatrist, who’s asked him to document his hallucinations. Charlie is annoyed he has to do this, but is trying to get on board with the idea.
CHARLIE
Ok, Dr Sadler. I’m going to go along with this ‘recording’ experiment idea of yours, but only because you’ve disappeared. When you’re back, I reserve the right to NOT do this, because I really don’t want to... Which you know, because we talked it about it two weeks ago, when we were meeting face to face, like normal doctor-patient interactions...
He takes a breath, resets.
CHARLIE
But I’m cool, I’m game. I want to participate in my wellness. I just really dislike the idea of having a permanent record of my broken-ness. I know, I know, you don’t like that word. See, now I’m doing it wrong.
He walks across the living room, gathering his thoughts. He sits down and sips coffee.
CHARLIE
Yes, that’s coffee. I haven’t cut down on the caffeine like you suggested. But that’s not even on the table.
Another sip.
CHARLIE
Alright let’s keep this quick, I have to get to the group session at Pauline’s house. Ugh. Also not my favorite thing.
Coffee.
CHARLIE
Ok, so I was on my way to our appointment, and suddenly all the buildings disappeared and became a giant forest. And I was standing in a clearing, with these cute, gentle, friendly deers. Deer. Deer? Fuck I’m so distracted I don’t even know the plural of Deer anymore.
More coffee.
CHARLIE
(asserting himself)
I know its ‘deer.’
He gets back to the point.
CHARLIE
(energized by the story)
The deer were just grazing, and sniffing things, then suddenly they pulled a full Bambi, looking all around, alert, tense. They sniffed the air, and their ears twitched around like little satellite dishes looking for a signal. And whatever it was-- I couldn’t hear anything-- but whatever it was, they got scared and ran away.
He pauses.
CHARLIE
I would consider an image like that a really bad omen if it was real. But its not real, right, Dr Sadler? Isn’t that what we’re doing here. Reinforcing the fact I can tell difference between reality and... whatever this other stuff is.
He gets up from his chair and starts walking through his apartment.
CHARLIE
Ok. That’s what I’ve got. This feels pretty dumb, honestly, doctor. But I’m in your hands. I mean, since we started, well, you know. Its been a lot better. So if this is what you want to try, I’m in. Even if it’s dumb as fu--
He cuts himself off. SFX of a gentle breeze and birdsong, a woodland scene.
CHARLIE
Um, so there’s a little woodland creature, like a chipmunk or a squirrel or something, standing next to my keys right now. He seems friendly, I’m not afraid or anything. And now he seems annoyed that I’m talking about him, so he’s walking down the counter... and behind the box of cereal... and he’s gone. Great. Ok I’ve got to go. Good talk.
The SFX switch back to his apartment: the sound of Charlie grabbing keys and shutting the door as he leaves.
INT. PAULINE’S LOFT - EVENING
A group of Sadler’s patients are meeting for the monthly group session, which Pauline hosts. We meet PAULINE, who is transgender, and leads the group sessions, HAMISH the Scottish Tennis Pro with a soft side, CLARENCE a black struggling stand up comedian, and SUE ELLEN, who’s so motherly you expect her to be wearing an apron and rubber gloves at all times.
Charlie enters the fancy condo.
CHARLIE
Hello?
PAULINE
(mid conversation with Sue Ellen)
Sue Ellen, did you like “Screaming With Your Inner Voice?”
I think the author’s amazing.
SUE ELLEN
Oh Pauline! Yes. I couldn’t put it down... So powerful. And, it just made me think about the way I’ve been treating myself, you know?
PAULINE
Well that’s the thing! Its such an important first step!!
SUE ELLEN
And the part where he’s saying that the Harry and Hermione were secretly doing it in Hagrid’s barn?! Scandalous!!
PAULINE
I don’t think that was in there,
Sue Ellen.
SUE ELLEN
Really, Pauline? Are you sure?
PAULINE
Yes, I’m a hundred percent sure. JK Rowling is dead to me.
SUE ELLEN
You mean it wasn’t a Harry Potter book?
PAULINE
No!
SUE ELLEN
So I made it up. Just another hallucination.
PAULINE
I think so, babe.
SUE ELLEN
Oh motherfucker!
Sue Ellen starts crying a bit as Charlie sits down.
CHARLIE
Hi Sue Ellen.
SUE ELLEN
(crying)
Hi Charlie.
CHARLIE
Hi Clarence, Hey Hamish.
CLARENCE
What’s up Charlie?
HAMISH
Hey.
CLARENCE
Hey I really have to get out of here by nine. I got a gig downtown, so...
HAMISH
You still doing stand up, Clarence?
CLARENCE
Yes. Yes, Hamish, I’m still doing stand up! You ask me that every fucking session man. What are you, my mom?
HAMISH
Aw brother, I’m sorry. I didn’t
realize. I really... I support you man. If you want to do stand up, you go for it. I’ve got your back.
CLARENCE
Ok cool well here’s a flyer I go on at ten.
HAMISH
Yeah I’m busy. But still, I support you.
CLARENCE
Fuck you, Hamish.
SUE ELLEN
(clearing her tears)
Oh, guys, I went to my appointment yesterday and Dr Sadler didn’t show up. Is that weird?
HAMISH
He’s never missed an appointment with me. Never even rescheduled.
CHARLIE
He missed mine too. This morning.
PAULINE
He’s probably just got a cold. He’s
not a robot.
SUE ELLEN
I guess I’ll just reschedule for next week.
PAULINE
Ok well we can keep this quick,
then. Does anyone having any pressing issues they need to go over?
Awkward silence.
PAULINE
No? Sue Ellen? Ok. How are we all doing on our verifications?
HAMISH
I had a pretty good one today. Yeah
I was at Chelsea pier, working with one of my clients on the courts, and my dog showed up...
He stops himself and adjusts. Pauline is very precise in how they phrase things.
HAMISH
NOT my dog. The dog I see in my hallucinations. He showed up and, you know here I am with a basket of about 200 tennis balls... cause I’m a tennis instructor, right?
CLARENCE
(annoyed as fuck)
We know, Hamish. Everyone knows.
HAMISH
And my... the dog, he was really happy and wanting to play and stuff. But: I tuned it out, man. Completely tuned it out. I was a boss.
SUE ELLEN
Nice one, Hamish. Good for you.
General agreement from the other patients.
HAMISH
Thanks.
PAULINE
Ok that’s really good, Hamish. Super. But let’s not forget, Dr Sadler wants us to verify, not just ignore.
HAMISH
(annoyed that this little victory isn’t good enough for Pauline)
I know, Pauline, I know! But I was in the middle of a lesson. I couldn’t ask my client if he saw an imaginary golden retriever running around!
CHARLIE
I get it. All good man.
CLARENCE
I had a pretty good one this week.
PAULINE
Go ahead, Clarence.
CLARENCE
I was heading to lunch, and it was, like, midtown at noon so it was a madhouse, you know? And all of the sudden four guys started following me in the crowd. They’re wearing all black, hoodies up, tactical vests. Scary as fuck man. But I just stop, and go sit down on a bench- this is like 47th and 6th, right, so those big buildings all have like benches and shit outside. So I sit down on a bench near this old lady. The guys are still following me, they’re like positioning themselves around- one over there by the hot dog stand, one over there by the schwarma guy.
HAMISH
Shit man. That’s scary.
SUE ELLEN
Oh Clarence! That’s terrible.
CLARENCE
I just sat there for a while, talking to the old lady about dumb stuff, you know, the weather, shit like that. And I was going to ask her if she could see them, the guys in black, but before I got a chance, they disappeared. Gone. Couldn’t see them anywhere.
PAULINE
Well that’s a really good try,
Clarence. So good.
CLARENCE
Thanks I felt pretty good about it.
Plus, I got the old lady’s number.
HAMISH
Ew.
CHARLIE
Oh shit.
CLARENCE
Best hand job I ever had.
SUE ELLEN
Awwww noooo.
CLARENCE
Its like, they really perfected the art of the hand job back in the day... you know? Now everyone just jumps right in and starts fucking. Back then it was a slow burn. Old school.
PAULINE
Clarence! Jesus. Ok. Moving on. Charlie?
CHARLIE
I, uh. Wow. That’s really gross,
Clarence.
CLARENCE
Don’t judge me.
CHARLIE
Ok, I’ve been pretty good lately.
These weird woodland scenes keep happening- like wherever I am will disappear, and suddenly I’m in a forest with little deer and birds and chipmunks.
SUE ELLEN
Cute!
CHARLIE
Not cute, Sue Ellen.
PAULINE
Remember guys, we don’t use the substance of each other’s hallucinations against each other! Come on! We know this! No matter what we see, or hear, what we all need is reality.
CHARLIE
Anyway they’ve all been kind of ending the same way- all the animals get scared and run away. Like something bad is coming.
HAMISH
I know that feeling.
CHARLIE
So does the old lady on the bench.
CLARENCE
Nice one, Charlie.
CHARLIE
Thanks.
PAULINE
Ok well my turn. I’ve been seeing things pretty often lately, its really got me a little shaken. Basically, every time I enter a room, I can see and hear the walls turning into place. Like the room just changed, and there are huge gears and motors that move the walls around like, like a set on stage or something. Or like a theme park, like Harry Potter world.
Its fucking terrifying. Plus, it happens so fast, its hard to get the verifications, you know? I’ll ask someone how long they’ve been there, or if the room has been redecorated, stuff like that.
HAMISH
Smart. Good move.
PAULINE
Thanks, Hamish. Sue Ellen, how about
you?
SUE ELLEN
Its been a tough one for me guys.
I’m serious. I guess because usually my hallucinations are things that I think people say to me, but then... you know, its just in my head, so. I have a really hard time keeping things straight at work. Like I was talking to this one guy about a file that we couldn’t find, and I swear right in the middle of it he told me he’d killed his dad.
CLARENCE
Oh shit.
CHARLIE
Yikes.
PAULINE
Oh, Sue Ellen. What did you do?
SUE ELLEN
I lost it. I couldn’t verify anything- no one else was listening, you know? So I just excused myself and went to the ladies room.
PAULINE
Baby steps, ok? We can’t be perfect at this, we just need to take the right steps, and you totally are.
SUE ELLEN
I’m so tired of this shit, Pauline. I know we’re not supposed to care what kind of hallucinations we have, but... I’m sorry, I really shouldn’t...
PAULINE
No, no- go on.
SUE ELLEN
I’m just FUCKING PISSED! Charlie sees woodchucks and bambi! Hamish sees a golden retriever!! What do I see? Nothing. I just hear people say TOTALLY FUCKED UP SHIT. All the time. My son, Randall, the other day he turned to me at breakfast and said he was going to stab his own eyes out with a fork! I freaked out and he was like “Whoa mom its ok, I just asked for some more bacon.”
HAMISH
(being the good coach)
That’s really tough, Sue Ellen. You’re going to have to dig deep, you know? You can do it. I know you can.
CLARENCE
Yeah, Sue Ellen, you got it. Make sure you’re getting some “me time.”
SUE ELLEN
Not everyone is a serial masturbator, Clarence.
CLARENCE
That’s not what I meant. But you know, since you brought it up...
SUE ELLEN
You’re worse than my teenagers.
CLARENCE
You’ll feel better, I swear.
PAULINE
Ok guys let’s wrap it up. I know
everyone wants to get home, and I have a call with Shanghai in 20 minutes so...
CLARENCE
Of course you do.
HAMISH
(in his doggy voice)
That’s a good boy!
People start to stand up and say good byes.
INT. DRUGMART - THE NEXT DAY
The sounds of the street fade as Charlie enters a store.
ELECTRONIC GREETER
(a robotic voice)
Welcome to DrugMart! You’re in the right place!
CHARLIE
(to himself)
Well that’s not true.
He walks to the back of the pharmacy and approaches the counter, where MAHMOUD (30’s, Indian-American) is tending the counter. Mahmoud and Charlie have history.
CHARLIE
(a bit too loudly)
Hello?
MAHMOUD
Oh great. Listen, man, I don’t want any trouble ok? Let’s just do this, and you can get out of my face.
CHARLIE
Mahmoud, you asshole, why does it have to be like this? I’m a fucking paying customer. Just give me my meds ok?
MAHMOUD
Did you already order the refills? We’re really busy right now, you know. The holidays.
CHARLIE
Yes. Of course I did. When do I not?
MAHMOUD
Alright! Take it easy, let me check.
CHARLIE
And put on gloves for fuck’s sake. Sick people come in here, its a fucking pharmacy!
Mahmoud has walked towards the back. A woman comes in looking for service.
LADY CUSTOMER
Hello? Excuse me?
MAHMOUD
One sec, be right there.
CHARLIE
That guy’s not clean.
LADY CUSTOMER
That’s super racist.
CHARLIE
(realizing he’s been misunderstood)
No! No not like that--
Mahmoud comes back towards the counter.
MAHMOUD
Hey! Hey leave the customers ALONE, alright? Nothing- no scripts for you!
CHARLIE
Dude, you can’t withhold my meds!
MAHMOUD
No, I mean you have no refills.
CHARLIE
What? I’m sure the doctor called them in.
MAHMOUD
Zero. Give him a call, and tell him to call me. Don’t worry, we’ll text you eight thousand times when its ready.
CHARLIE
Ok. Dammit!
MAHMOUD
Hi miss. What do you need?
LADY CUSTOMER
(clearly directed at Charlie)
Uh, a little personal space, maybe?
CHARLIE
Yeah I get it, lady, don’t worry.
(walking away)
I’ll be back, Mahmoud! Wash your hands! With soap!
Back on the street Charlie calls Sadler’s number.
CHARLIE
Dr Sadler, its Charlie. We have a situation here. I was just at the pharmacy and they don’t have a refill for the meds. I think we both know that that’s, um, problematic. I’m coming over.
CUT TO:
INT ENTRYWAY TO DR SADLER’S OFFICE - AFTERNOON
Charlie is pounding on the door. A door down the hall unlocks and opens, NEIGHBOR sticks her head out.
CHARLIE
Dr Sadler?! Dr Sadler are you in there? Uh, sorry to interrupt but we have a problem. Problem! Dr Sadler?!
NEIGHBOR
Can you keep it down, please, we’re in session over here.
CHARLIE
Oh. Yes. Sorry. Can I see?
NEIGHBOR
What? No. Definitely not.
CHARLIE
I mean, have you seen Dr Sadler?
NEIGHBOR
Who?
CHARLIE
Dr Sadler. Gerry. Gerard.
NEIGHBOR
Sorry I don’t think I know him. Is he new?
CHARLIE
No. No not at all. He’s been here for years. I’ve been coming here for 3 years, and he was here way before that.
NEIGHBOR
Are you sure you’re in the right building? This is 214 East--
CHARLIE
214 east 18th Yes I’m in the right building! Are you gaslighting me? Aren’t you a therapist, too?! Who does that? What is wrong with you?!
NEIGHBOR
Uh I think you need to leave.
CHARLIE
No shit, lady.
NEIGHBOR
You can’t take that.
CHARLIE
What?
NEIGHBOR
The mail. That’s someone’s mail. You can’t take it.
CHARLIE
Well I’m clearly disturbed, and right now I’m taking this pile of mail, because DR SADLER might want his fucking mail when I find him. No thanks to you. Hack.
NEIGHBOR
What did you call me?
CHARLIE
Do you even have a session in there? Let me see, I want to see.
NEIGHBOR
That’s it I’m calling the cops. Get help.
A door slams and locks.
CHARLIE
I’m trying sister. I’m trying.
We hear the elevator ding, and doors open. He steps in, and presses the lobby button manically. The doors close. There’s elevator music.
And it keeps going.
For a strangely long time.
CHARLIE
Jesus on a pita what is going--
The emergency phone rings. He opens the weird little metal box door and pulls out the receiver.
CHARLIE
Uh Hello?
VOICE
Hi.
CHARLIE
Can I help you?
VOICE
Ha. You are crazy. You mean, can I help you?
CHARLIE
That’s what I said. No need to be a dick.
VOICE
No! I mean you’re stuck in an elevator that’s going down, below the lobby, below the basement, and its still going, right?
CHARLIE
Yep. Still going down.
VOICE
So I’d think you’d be asking me for help, not the other way around.
CHARLIE
Ok. Sure. Can you help me?
VOICE
You’re going to need to help yourself, Charlie.
CHARLIE
So that’s a no, huh. That’s what I was thinking. Glad we’re on the same page.
VOICE
Acute Dementia from Hypo Occular Cyclothymia. That’s what Sadler said you have, right?
CHARLIE
How’d you know that.
VOICE
Its not real.
CHARLIE
What? Its very real, man. Its fucking debilitating...
VOICE
He told you all his patients have it, and its extremely rare and causes hallucinations, right? Its not real. But this is.
The doors ding and open.
CHARLIE
Hello?
You can hear by the echo on his voice that he’s in a vast tunnel deep below the city.
CHARLIE
Uh hello? Is anyone down here?
VOICE
(still on the phone)
Do you see the tunnels, Charlie?
CHARLIE
Yep.
VOICE
(now echoing from far down the tunnel)
This is where you’ll find Sadler, Charlie. This is where you’ll find the truth.
CHARLIE
Ok this definitely isn’t real.
The elevator buzzes. He’s been holding the doors open too long.
VOICE
Are you coming? Are you coming to find the answers?
CHARLIE
Nope. Not today. Can’t do it. Lobby please.
His finger is pounding on the elevator button, the doors close and open, almost instantly back in the lobby. People get on the elevator.
CHARLIE
This is the lobby right?
ELEVATOR PERSON
(annoyed)
What? Uh yeah. This is the lobby.
CHARLIE
Great. Awesome. So good. Thanks. Nice one.
Charlie’s phone rings as he’s walking back out to the street. Its SUSAN (30’s, white, gruff and down to business) At this point he’s mumbling to himself a bit about how fucked up the scene in the elevator was, then he pops into “talking with my boss” mode.
CHARLIE
Susan! Hi! So great to hear from you.
SUSAN
Hi Charlie. Look, no bullshit here, I’m a little concerned about the Toto 1200 project.
CHARLIE
No need to be concerned. I’m on it.
SUSAN
You were supposed to have the manual back to me yesterday. The Toto people are on my ass, Charlie.
CHARLIE
If you had a Toto 1200 you could get them off of there no problem. It has over 14 settings...
SUSAN
Do I need to get someone else on this?
CHARLIE
You’ll have it in the morning, the complete manual for the Toto Platinum 1200 series, perfected. I promise.
SUSAN
Ok. Ok. But no more fucking around like this. I can’t do the stress, Charlie, totally not worth it. Its a fucking toilet manual.
CHARLIE
Got it. We’re straight. I’m going to make you proud.
SUSAN
Oh shut up. Just do it.
CHARLIE
Ok bye--
Susan’s hung up. Charlie calls Sadler. His voicemail picks up- its a woman’s voice, but Dr Sadler has inserted his name in his own voice.
VOICE MAIL
You’ve reached “Dr Gerry Sadler.” Please left a message after the tone.
CHARLIE
Ok, Sadler. So its 4 PM on Friday, I’m outside your office. I just went to check on you, and nobody seems to know who you are or that you ever had an office here, so that’s not good. Pretty sure its real, but it doesn’t sound right, so I’m pretty fucking confused. I’ll probably have to check again. Oh and I went to the basement of your office building and it seems there’s a giant network of old tunnels with scary voices calling my name, so, just FYI. Plus, I have your mail. Cool. Ok. Bye.
INT CHARLIE’S HOUSE - NEXT MORNING
Charlie’s alarm goes off, NPR calmly tells us about tragedy after hideous tragedy. We hear him yawn, get out of bed, walk to the bathroom and pee.
NPR
Live from Washington DC, this is NPR morning headlines. A typhoon that parked outside the Indonesian city of Jakarta dumped an unprecedented amount of rain. A local orphanage was caught in the center of the micro-storm, drowning an as yet unknown amount of school children. Strangely, not a single drop of rain was reported on the hills above the city, where the city’s wealthiest residents live in luxurious walled compounds. In Eastern Europe, a bizarre multiple wedding took place. Three heads of state publicly married the presidents of massive non-governmental relief networks, pretty much ensuring that corruption and money laundering will continue for decades to come. Taylor Swift played at the reception after party. Pretty neat.
NPR
(the radio starts talking to Charlie)
Anything from Dr Sadler yet?
CHARLIE
What?
NPR
Did you hear anything from Sadler?
CHARLIE
Nope. Nothing.
NPR
You should probably check the mail.
CHARLIE
Huh. Good idea.
Charlie goes to the front door, grabs his keys.
NPR
No. For fuck’s sake, Charlie. HIS mail, Sadler’s mail, you grabbed it yesterday.
CHARLIE
Go easy on me, Mr NPR guy. I haven’t even had coffee yet.
NPR
You know what time we have to get up to do the morning news? Like 2 AM.
CHARLIE
(very genuinely concerned)
Oh no! That’s awful. I could NOT do that, man.
NPR
Its rough. Its rough. So, what’s in the mail?
Charlie rustles with some letters.
CHARLIE
Its all junk.
NPR
Like what? Tell me.
CHARLIE
Uh, we have Modern Psychiatry. Looks pretty dry. A bill from a cleaning service, AAA Industrial Custodial, Inc. A couple of credit card offers, and a menu from a Chinese restaurant.
NPR
Well, I hope you like Chinese food, Charlie.
CHARLIE
I don’t, actually. I like Japanese food. I like Thai food. Actually I pretty much like any asian food that’s not Chinese-- wait. Why are you asking?
NPR
(going back to the news)
Scientists report that the result of their recent climate summit is that they’re giving up. According to the spokesperson, the scientific community agrees that they just want to spend time with their families in the few years that remain while the planet is still capable of supporting human life...
Charlie turns off the radio with a THWACK.
CHARLIE
I really don’t like Chinese food. Shit.
INT. CHINESE RESTAURANT - NOON
The door has bells that jingle as Charlie walks into the restaurant. The waitress, YULING, hollers aggressively from across the room.
YULING
For one?
CHARLIE
Yeah. Just me.
YULING
Anywhere.
Charlie sits down. There are maybe 3 other tables. Lame K Pop is playing in the background. Or maybe its traditional Chinese music. Charlie unwraps some chopsticks from the table and starts lightly drumming with them.
YULING
So. What can I get you?
CHARLIE
Hmm I’m not really sure. What’s good.
YULING
Do you like lobster?
CHARLIE
I love lobster. I have a lot of really fond memories of eating lobster, actually. But I wasn’t really in the mood- its a kind of lot for lunch, you know?
YULING
We don’t have any. But good to know.
His drumming is getting louder.
YULING
Pork? Beef? Chicken?
CHARLIE
Chicken sounds good.
YULING
Stop that. Noodle or rice?
CHARLIE
(in time with his drumming)
Noo-dle. Noo-noo-noo-DLE!
YULING
If you don’t stop that I’m going to waterboard you. Got it?
CHARLIE
Sure, yeah. Sorry. I was actually wondering, do you know a guy named Dr Sadler? I think he comes here.
YULING
No! No, definitely not. Lots of people come here. No Gerry Sadler.
Apparently Yuling winked at him.
CHARLIE
You’re lying. You just said Gerry Sadler. I never said his first name. Why are you doing that with your face?
YULING
(whispering)
I’m winking at you! Be quiet, for fuck’s sake.
(regular voice)
I’ll get this order in. Tea?
CHARLIE
Sure?
She walks away. Charlie takes out his phoen and starts recording.
CHARLIE
Ok Dr Sadler, I’m in a chinese restaurant around the corner from your office, and things are getting really strange. Not like hallucination strange- I’m not seeing any deer or otters or anything...
YULING
Here you go. Pork noodle.
CHARLIE
I think I said chicken?
YULING
What are you doing?
CHARLIE
I was recording a note--
YULING
(suddenly serious)
Turn it off, and keep your voice down. People are listening. I can tell about Dr Sadler. But first you have to complete the Three Trials.
CHARLIE
Wait, what? You know Sadler?
YULING
Yes, we know him. But, listen I can’t tell you anything, not yet. Its too dangerous.
CHARLIE
Um, you’re freaking me out a little bit.
YULING
Three Trials. I can’t tell you what they are, I can only tell you where they are. The Arena. The Old Factory. The Inventor’s Basement.
He’s pulling out a moleskin and a pen.
CHARLIE
Wait I have to write this down.
(slowly, while writing)
The Arena. The Old Factory. The Inventor’s Basement.
(back to her)
Are you real?
YULING
I am real.
CHARLIE
And this is legit?
YULING
Yes. Way legit. But its very dangerous.
CHARLIE
Danger is my middle name.
YULING
You’re middle name is Francis.
She starts to walk away.
CHARLIE
Wait!
YULING
(an angry whisper)
I can’t say any more!
CHARLIE
No but I wanted the chicken.
YULING
Seriously?
CHARLIE
No, I don’t care. But how did you know my middle name?
YULING
Its on your credit card. Here’s your copy. This one, sign this one. Now leave. And don’t come back until you’ve completed the trials.
CHARLIE
I still think this is a hallucination. I have a problem where sometimes I see things--
Yuling slaps him across the face.
CHARLIE
Ow!
YULING
Real enough?
CHARLIE
You didn’t have to hit me that hard. I think you enjoyed that. Totally unnecessary.
YULING
Now leave.
CHARLIE
Wait, what’s your name?
YULING
Its not important.
CHARLIE
Oh, its on the receipt. “Your Server: Yuling.” Got it. Leaving now! Thank you. Thanks a lot. Bye.
EXT. STREET OUTSIDE CHINESE RESTAURANT - DAY
Charlie dials his phone.
CHARLIE
Hey. Its me.
AMBER
Who?
CHARLIE
Its Charlie, Amber. I know you have caller ID.
AMBER
You can’t trust that shit.
CHARLIE
I just heard something crazy.
AMBER
Why am I not surprised.
CHARLIE
Yeah yeah but this was real. She hit me.
AMBER
Charlie, what the fuck man? You’re not groping girls on the subway now, right? Times have changed man. Me Too.
CHARLIE
What? No! No, come on, dude. Listen this is serious. Do these mean anything to you? The Arena. The Old Factory. The Inventor’s Basement.
AMBER
What are you talking about?
CHARLIE
I’m asking if those words mean anything to you. Just go with it dude, I need your help here.
AMBER
Ok, ok. No, those words don’t mean anything to me. I don’t think Ive ever heard those phrases.
CHARLIE
Listen to me, ok? Sadler’s missing, and something isn’t right... I can’t be sure if I’m losing it or if something really messed up is going on. What happens when all of us run out of meds? We need to stick together on this.
AMBER
We’re not a cop show, Charlie.
CHARLIE
I know that. But we’re friends, in a fucked up situation. And I need my friend.
There’s a vicious banging sound.
AMBER
Oh god Charlie!
CHARLIE
Amber? What?!
Bang bang bang!
AMBER
They’re every where!!
CHARLIE
Amber? Amber stop it! Stop banging the phone.
AMBER
Charlie! They’re on my face! The spiders! THE SPIDERS!!! AHHHHHHH!
More banging and the line goes dead.